Well worth a read, especially if have Round Robin letters inflicted upon you at Christmas
- Concerning the holiday in Antigua, you see the person at the back of the group photo, in a big hat? You probably thought she was an innocent passer-by. Well, look closely… it’s me! Yes, I followed you to Antigua as I have followed you and your family everywhere for the past five years, as it happens, because I hate you, Caro Wilson, you smug cow. I hate you and I hate in particular the way you send these four-page full-colour Christmas letters to everybody as if you were the Queen.
I enclose some book tokens for the girls (but only for satirical reasons), and an amusing volume called Adultery for Dummies for Tom, because I fear he hasn’t read it. Now, if you’re wondering what’s been happening to me all these years, it’s not an uninteresting story. In the autumn of 2006, I met a handsome and ambitious young man called Jason at Holistic Pilates and gave him a lift home. We became lovers instantly.
After a six-month visit to Australia, we set up a surveillance business, which has been incredibly successful, with an office in Mayfair. We have 25 operatives, and have been retained by several Gulf states, but the best thing is: I’ve had your entire family under 24-hour intensive surveillance from the very start, just for the pleasure of establishing that your Christmas newsletters are full of complete and utter rubbish.
Don’t bother trying to find the cameras and microphones; if Mossad can’t do it, I don’t suppose you can. Above all, Happy Christmas!
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